Updated: Nov 27, 2020
After nearly a week of needing little food and sleep, of grinning like an idiot for no apparent reason and winning in life, yesterday I felt my balloon pop.
A cruel fact of Bipolar is the false sense of well-being you experience in episodes of mania (or hypomania, which is basically a less extreme high).
This state can fool me to such an extent that I often doubt that I even have a mental health issue, and my fantastic mood is perfectly normal. So why do people keep expressing concern about it? Well obviously they are jealous of my good mood and my fantastic life! Losers.
Sadly, it turns out that those people were not jealous of my general awesomeness (I'm as shocked as you are), but were infact simply anticipating the grim fallout. Or fall down. My mind and body have reached burn out.
So here I am, exhausted, full of self doubt and self criticism, wondering how on earth I can manage to get through the day without crawling back to bed.
My head hurts and my body is aching and heavy. I cannot comprehend how I ever felt capable and optimistic, as though that were a dream. I am not currently at the point of unexplained sobbing or irrational fears about death and I hope that I can avert a nose dive to that dark place.
Becoming depressed can be a degrading experience. If it worsens, then even meeting basic needs like washing become a mountain that I know I can't climb. I can recall one occasion when my mum offered (begged?) to wash my hair for me. Looking back I probably should have agreed because I'm fairly sure my hair was about to develop a life of it's own.
I am an adult with 4 of my own children, but depression can revert a person to a helpless child.
It has been a long time since I harmed myself or could find a myriad of reasons why I would be better off dead, and for this I am incredibly thankful. But I live in fear of it on days like this. I took my first overdose at the age of 16 and was cutting myself by the time I was 17. Self harm is a complex topic that is best left for another day, but for now let us just be satisfied with the knowledge that to assume a person harms themselves as an immature attention seeking act is absolutely f***ing ridiculous.
For now, my best bet for today is to come up with an action plan and try to follow it. If I do then I do, if I don't then I don't and I will beat myself up about that too. Cue dramatic sigh.
Write my blog journal, because writing is easier than talking (tick).
Do a few Sun Salutations, because neglecting Yoga is neglecting my mind)
Eat carbs, because our brains scream out for glucose at times like these.
Complement myself whenever a criticism pops into my head (i.e. every 10 seconds)
Forgive myself, over, and over, and over again.
It's worth a try.